4/4/24 i need an escape, this website will be exactly that, for now at least. i need someone to talk to but not something human. i am learning what it means to be human myself. i am lost and think i can only be comfortable with the computer. of course this page is public, but- ah, who cares. listening to a lot of rainbow kitten suprise. i wrote a lot earlier today but deleted the paragraphs, it wasn't good, it wasn't perfect. do i start over? everything is embarassing. still, i feel pulled to write here. for myself i hope, maybe... not sure what for. i'll be 21 in 5 days. i am terrified. i don't know how to write, i don't think i do. i am full of contradictions. for a long time all i've known for certain is that i want to get better. sometimes i'm afraid there is no "getting better". i can hear a song playing on my phone from under the blanket. muffled, the man is singing "trying to get better" "move 'til you feel better, get yourself together". I've never heard this song before. It's by Mt. Joy. I want to capitalize my I's now. I want to capatialize what i want. no i don't, i used to love writing in low caps, then i got a new phone in september of it doesn't matter what year and didn't turn the caps lock off until someone reminded me how much i love seeing a dot on the i at the beginning of every sentance. why love it though? stylistic perhaps... ANyway. i'll leave the typos and just write for now, but maybe only that typo. i feel like a lunatic, now i'm hearing a song i know well. i loved it in middle school. the title has the name of that person. sometimes i worry i have experienced spiritual psychosis of sorts, but why is that song playing. i don't know how to not think of the past. i got a tattoo last night. the ourosboros... if u know u know. jk, i can explain if you don't. i wonder if anyone will read this. can you block people here? maybe i'll start a new blog... i'll figure that out sooner or later. anyway, the tattoo...